Author: Tracy Bell

This is it.  My final sabbatical blog.  I am so fortunate to work for FDLIC and to have had this opportunity for growth and redemption.

This weekend I was able to see all four of my kids and my grandson.  During the last month, Elliott had began to flourish.  It’s been a rough beginning to his little life but he’s coming through it like a champ. He’s doing so good.  He’s up to 3 lbs 8 oz and is only needing a little breathing support which is being weaned down. I’ve had much joy watching my daughter and son in law get to hold him and interact with him.  He even gave me a quick smile when I was talking to him.

I spent good quality time with my kids and have done more healing in those relationships.  Still more to do there but we are now well into that process.  We talked a little bit about good and bad parts of their raising.  I wasn’t surprised by their responses.  We had good meals, too many of them, and great fellowship.  I believe they were getting tired of all the group selfies though.

For the first time in my life, I am doing a daily devotional and reading my bible.  Who knew there was so much good stuff in there?  Lol.

This morning I went to church with my daughter and my twin boys.  It’s a small community church outside of Wichita Falls in a town called Holiday.  It was such an amazing message and amazing minister (btw, he has no formal training in ministry and just began this in February).  After church, I went and visited with the minster.  What a small world!  He’s a recovering addict just like me.  He’s branching out their Jail ministry to, of all places, Amarillo. He mentioned needing help getting this going in amarillo.  Since I began my community service during the sabbatical praying with trafficking victims that are in our county jail, I believe I can help.  So many of those same trafficking victims  have addictions and could use help with a women’s treatment program like his.

You just can’t make this stuff up!  God is good and I believe there are no coincidences in life.  God puts people in your life at a certain time for a certain reason.

This journey has been amazing.  I have grown emotionally and spiritually so much more than I could ever imagine.  It hasn’t gone exactly as planned but that’s ok because it’s probably been better than I planned.

Please keep praying for baby Elliott and thanks to everyone who has read my lengthy blogs!  

As I sit outside this morning, listening to the rain, it hits me…..I am almost finished with my sabbatical journey.  This has been an amazing twenty-something days so far.  But I won’t lie, I really could use about a few more weeks.  😉

I am mentally preparing for the best finale to this sabbatical.  I will be leaving tomorrow for Wichita Falls and then Dallas.  I will be able to spend time with all four of my kids and their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriends.

This is the time that I have most desired for the past five years.  Of course, I have the conversations played out in my head.  But we all know things won’t be said exactly as I have planned.  I have been praying for more than a year to heal hurt relationships and to draw my kids closer to me.  During this past year or so, God has really helped me to be a better person and to “do the next right thing” (phrase stolen from NA).

Yesterday I spent the day making things for my home.  I have an eight foot clock that my husband made me for my last birthday and it needed a little something to the side of it.  It took me eight months but I finally figured it out.

I also made new front door decor.  I found a fence company that will give me all their scrap wood.  Needless to say, I know what everyone is getting for Christmas!

Jail Team for No Boundaries International

Human Trafficking…..it’s in your town as well as mine.  We don’t want to believe this, but it’s very true.  It doesn’t just involve the prostitutes who walk up and down Amarillo boulevard or whatever street that looks like in your town.

The average age to begin being trafficked in the US is twelve.  That’s right folks….twelve, 12, 1-2.  Everyone reading this is thinking this would never happen to their child.  In the age of social media, it can happen to anyone at any age and in any socio-economic class.

In the very recent past, No Boundaries International (NBI) was notified of a head cheerleader in a major high school in my city was being trafficked.  Now tell me that it can’t happen to your child or to your neighbors child.  Children as young as three years old have been traffic victims in our area.

It’s a real problem.  Every parent MUST watch what is happening on their families social media.  Stop it before it begins.

I am serving on the Jail Team and have been able to go to one of our county jails and pray with young ladies.  Some of those were trafficking victims and some just needed someone to talk to.  ALL of them are at risk for being trafficked when they are released.

Tell me, for a young lady who had been trafficked….would she rather make $300,000 this year or make minimum wage at a menial job?  Sure, that $300,000 goes to her pimp but it allows her to live in a $1 million house and go shopping anytime she wants.  How can you convince that young lady to leave the lifestyle and live paycheck to paycheck?  It’s not easy.

Of course, this problem doesn’t just lie with pimps and ladies.  We need to take on the issue of the men (or women) who are paying for and/or using this service on the street, massage parlor or in the comfort of your own home.  The biggest issue with trafficking is what can easily take Place very innocently with Pornography.  Thats right.  Most porn is free and easily accessible right from your own home.  Those ladies don’t enjoy being in porn, they are trafficked into it.

It has been such a humbling experience to work with these ladies and I certainly hope to see our Jail ministry grow as I continue to serve them even after my sabbatical ends.

I don’t cry often.  I was raised where crying seemed to be a sign of weakness.  I don’t remember ever seeing my father cry as a child.  I only remember my mom crying during movies.  Needless to say, it takes something very emotional to make me cry.

Yesterday we were in the garage working on the next amazing creation and I received a text message.  Not just any text message.  It was a picture sent by my daughter.  This picture sent me to tears.  Tears of joy, happiness but most of all thankfulness.  Most grandparents get to see their kids hold their own baby right after birth.  This wasn’t the case with our little man.

After waiting eight weeks and two days, my daughter and son in law were able to hold their baby for the first time.  Thirteen day before they were told that he may not live and here they are….big smiles on their faces and a look of comfort on Elliott’s sweet face.

I have been a skeptic of the power of prayer in my life.  Not any more.  I would have to say these last eight weeks have been nothing but prayer from people all over the nation.  People that I don’t know have prayer for my baby and grandbaby.  The power of prayer and most of all God have kept us all going through this rough time.

These last eight weeks have been so emotionally and physically taxing on my beautiful daughter and my amazing son in law.  But yesterday…that made it all worth it to them.

We also had our friends over for dinner last night.  

It was a beautiful night in the outdoor kitchen talking business and pleasure over dinner.

Such a wonderful day.  God is so good.

This week I have received many blessings.  It has been a week of more rest but most of redemption.

The Love Dare is working on my husband.  Although, maybe he hasn’t realized the reason behind our wonderful week yet.  I have been sticking to the dares pretty faithfully.  Some haven’t been easy while others seem to come natural.  We have grown closer and strengthened our relationship.

Today has been the best day of all.  I received some really promising news about Elliott which I will share as soon as I can.  Overall, Elliott’s strong will and fight has inspired me.  He is doing so well and I am so blessed to be his Gigi (or whatever he will call me).  He looks so good and has grown to a whopping 3 pounds now.  

We are so blessed to have such a strong prayer team all over the country.  People that I don’t even know ask how Elliott is doing.  God is so good.

Today I was able to go to lunch and a little bit of early birthday shopping with one of my twins and his adorable girlfriend, Maddie.  Kayden is my oldest twin and my favorite child (I tell them all that 😊).  Lunch was so good and full of good conversation with great company!  Of course, early birthday shopping is a rare event for me so he was pleasantly surprised.  

I also had the opportunity to make an old dresser into a TV stand for a new friend.  I thought they turned out really good!  

So now it’s on to begin week three of this journey!

Beginning my eleventh sabbatical day on my deck with little Quinn.  I will be so thankful for the day that she allows me to sleep past 6 am.  But waking up to her sweet puppy kisses is worth getting up for.  She’s a biter so the kisses are a

welcome occurrence.

As I read my daily devotional today I have to think back to my last post about the recent losses in our lives.  It says “I can take the deepest sorrow and weave it into a pattern for good.”  There is so much truth to this statement.  Three years later, I can honestly say that God turned those horrible events into his pattern for good in my life.  FDLIC came into my life shortly after that time.  Those losses, while tragic and painful, did give me my story to help families understand what it’s like to be unprepared.  I speak to families with a position of “having been there” which i believe is more powerful than “what I see everyday when families are unprepared”.

Yesterday, my amazingly talented husband made me an awning.  I know that sounds strange but I struggle to find the right window treatments.  I’m sure that’s a struggle that everyone has, right?  Lol, I found a picture on Pinterest and showed him and less than 24 hours later, boom!  An awning in my living room.  He is the most talented maker of things!  I’ll be adding some signage above it today or tomorrow but I want to show everyone how great it looks right now.  

It goes perfect with the old windows that I refurbished last week.  My husband taught me how to use his bandsaw so I was able to cut out all the letter, paint them, distress them and hang them all by myself.   Jeff loves to sell our projects but this one he can’t sell unless he find a family with the last name “BELL”.  I’m sure he will try!  😂 

Baby Elliott update, he’s having a good week which is such a blessing.  The doctors felt he was doing well enough to discontinue another medicine yesterday.  Although he seems to love this particular med, I pray he’s decided he doesn’t need it anymore.  Prayers requested for him today to come off of that medicine with success and more baby steps toward his mommy and daddy getting to hold him for the first time.  It’s been a long and difficult eight NICU weeks for his parents but it’s going to be all worth it soon and this NICU journey will be in the rear view mirror!

July 21 is a day that has deeply saddened our home and changed our lives forever.

Yesterday I discussed my relationship with my kids. While I was so deeply hurt about those relationships, I was also blessed with another one.

I truly believe there are no coincidences in life.  I believe that God puts people in your life at a certain time for a certain reason.  God put my husband, Jeff, and his son and mother in my life at a time that I had lost so much.  They took me in, loved me and gave me a purpose to go on when finding that purpose seemed impossible.

I had the amazing opportunity to love and be loved by my wonderful stepson, Chris.  You see, my husband had raised Chris as a single father and Chris didn’t have much of a relationship with his mother when I entered their lives.  God presented me with the chance to be a loving stepmother to Chris for a short time before he passed.

During our relationship Chris saw the pain I was in and comforted me and, although he never said this, I would like to believe that he might have thought about the pain his mother was in due to not having a close bond with him.  During the last 6-8 months of his life, he began to have more of a relationship with her.  He flew to spend time with her over his Christmas break and spring break of his senior year.  She even came all the way to Amarillo for his graduation.  Wow!  God is so good.  He was able to build and start to repair a  relationship with her, of course, not knowing that he would soon be in heaven.

The events of July 21, 2014 are burned in my memory and I replay those events every day in my thoughts.  Having a conversation at lunch, through text since Chris’ phone was not working well enough to have a verbal conversation.  We talked about his plans for the future and that he was going to be baptized the following Sunday.  Yes!  He had accepted Christ the day before.  What peace that brought us in the following hours.

Soon after lunch I went home for a short break in my day.  However, on the way home all of the traffic was rerouted around what appeared to be an accident.  All I could see was a white motorcycle in the road and so many flashing lights.  I immediately had a sick feeling and called my husband.  He texted Chris, remember his phone wasn’t working and we couldn’t call him.  No response.  I then took the back road into the convenience store parking lot and immediately I recognized the boots that stuck out from under the sheet covering his precious, lifeless body.

I had to make the call to his father that I will never forget.  The most difficult call I have ever made.  The most disturbing words that have ever had to come out of my mouth.  Only six weeks out of high school and he was with Jesus.

These past three years have been filled with pain, grief, healing and finally forgiveness.  I know the 21 year old kid that caused the accident hurts and I know it was truly an accident and not on purpose.  I have chosen forgiveness.

While this was such a tragedy, it did lead me to FDLIC.  My mission statement in my presentation is one that comes straight from my heart.  While we wouldn’t have ever preplanned for Chris’ death, I firmly believe that preplanning is the right thing to do.

I sit here this morning as I do most mornings and think about those that I love.  I thank God for my  wonderful kids and while I had some years that we weren’t as close as I wanted, I was given the chance to be a stepmother to Chris.

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I am a sinner.  I have been a sinner and I will always be a sinner.  I am slowly gaining comfort believing that God has forgiven me of my sins.  He has forgiven me much easier and faster than I have forgiven myself.

I struggle sometimes to be a good wife and mother.  I’m sure most women feel this way too.  Several years ago I entered into a very self destructive path. On this path, I hurt many people and disappointed those that were closest to me.  My relationships with my family became somewhat estranged.  I divorced and lost my kids, husband, house, car and soon after that, I lost my job.  One would think that would end self destructive behavior but it didn’t.

I have spent the last five years feeling sorry myself because of these losses.  Self pity….what a horrible thing.

In the past year, I have grown up so much.  Still have a long ways to go.  I’m getting out of self pity, self loathing and trying to love myself for the first time in my life.  I’m working to see myself as worthy of being loved and treated well.  During this process I am regaining the things that mean the most to me……my kids.

My relationship with them is growing and becoming more amazing than it ever was before.  I am trying so hard to change and be the mom that I can be and that I should be for them.

That all being said….Monday, we stopped in Wichita Falls and took my oldest daughter her favorite cherry donuts and Texas Tea that you can only get in Amarillo.  Monday was her first day away from Elliott and back at work which is over two hours away from him.  I also made her and my son in law these cups with Elliott’s actual feetprints on them.  (Although they ended up larger than the they really are.). IMG_4546

I was able to spend a little bit of quality time talking with little Elliott all alone.  He now knows how much his mommy and daddy want to hold him, love on him and want so deeply to see him get well.  We also might have discussed how much his Gigi loves him too.  ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ this little boy with all my heart.

It was a quick trip to see him but well worth it.  On the way back to Amarillo I was able to surprise my other daughter at her new job and take her a candy bar.  By the way, she also received her favorite donuts too 😉.

Quick side note, my second daughter is dating my son in laws cousin.  That’s why she moved to Wichita Falls after college.  Oh, and there’s more.  One of my twin boys is dating my son in laws cousins little sister.  That’s why he moved to Wichita Falls and goes to college there.  One big happy family!

I am so honored that God chose me to be the mother of my amazing kids.  I am so proud of them and proud of all they do.  I have the most amazing kids, I know all moms say that.  But with my kids, it’s the truth!

Brecken, Berklee, Kenzie and Kayden

As far as the Love Dare, it’s hard.  Much more difficult than I imagined.  One thing really stuck out in today’s reading to me, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife” Prov 25:24.  I’m pretty sure that I am that quarrelsome wife and that needs to change.  I’m a little nervous for today’s dare.  I have to ask my husband to tell me three things that I do that irritate him.  😳

Tomorrows blog…….honoring my stepson, Chris, it marks three years since he passed away.

Quinn and her first rain

So yesterday was the first full sabbatical day.  It seemed like most any Saturday.  I was early to rise, read my devotional that Chris gave us at the Presidents dinner.  What an amazing devotional.

This morning was day one of The Love Dare.  My husband hasn’t noticed yet 😉, but I’ve been much more patient and have chosen to not say anything instead of the wrong thing so far today.  I think this will make a huge difference in me which will certainly make changes in our marriage.

Nine am yesterday was the time to be present for the second and last training day for my volunteer work.  It was a day full of case studies about human trafficking.  No Boundaries International does work dealing with human trafficking victims in the Amarillo area.  I guess I have been living under a rock for years now and didn’t know this was a problem in my town.  Maybe I just chose not to know.

My original sabbatical service project was going to be in Belize with daughter and son in law.  They go every year and help in a children’s ministry there.  But plans changed with the unexpected early birth complications of my first grandson, 👶🏻 Elliott Franklin Scott 💙❤️💙.  I know most people reading this know about Elliott so I won’t go into the details.  I received my TeamElliott shirt in the mail yesterday and I am so blessed to get to wear it today.

Right now, blogging and about to begin my book, out of the deck, listening to rare rainfall and cuddling my sweet baby, Quinn.  I am sure hoping to have her housetrained in the next 28 days!

Elliott is a little less swollen and can open both eyes today. Small blessings ❤️👏

Gigi wearing the new TeamElliott gear